< something I wrote yesterday >
"I work in a motivation vacuum. Any motivation I ever had, even what was stored in reserve, is sucked out of my being as soon as I walk through the doors. No matter how inspiring the weekend, how urgent the task at hand, the nagging and stropping of my colleague, the shinyness of my sink, none of it helps. Occasionally I can hide it until midday, but it's always found and sucked away. I don't want to end up some kind of wreck. I actually like what I do, naja, at least when it works. I want to make amazing things, but somehow I have no energy, no strength, no oomph. I don't actually know what the problem is.. If I did it might be easier to do something about it. I've tried changing places, washing the windows, decorating the wall. I have a [marginally] later start time. I still don't make it to work earlier than absolutely necessary, and often come too late. My exam is in less than 6 months and I can't bring myself to find the bother to care or revise or practise."