The other day I heated a tin of beans, laid the table, toasted some slightly stale bread, took a lump of cheese out of the fridge, the grater out of the drawer and sat down to beans on toast.
As I poured the beans onto my toast I was suddenly reminded of the post I wrote last year about eating them out of the saucepan. This time I hadn’t even considered it. I hadn’t thought about it and made an conscious effort to use a plate, it honestly hadn’t crossed my mind until afterwards. I’d laid out a plate and a knife and fork without thinking about it or having to wash them up first. (The saucepan was clean before I started too ;)).
I was eating off a plate. At a table. With a tablecloth and placemats and flowers. By myself – I wasn’t trying to impress anyone. The counter was mostly empty, as was the sink and the drying rack. The floor between the radiator and the balcony doors was clear, except for the recycling bottles and a couple of projects in boxes. The old newspapers were stacked in a single wooden box, ready to wrap up the peelings when I next cook properly, instead of threatening to invade.
This, I think, is a good marker of how far I’ve come over the last few months. The recent beans day wasn’t an especially ‘good’ day, it was just a day, possibly one of the less-good days, seeing as I was eating beans instead of cooking.
My house is in no way magazine-perfect, but I was able to let my landlord in at short notice when he needed to replace the batteries in the anti-mould windows, and to let him send a repairman for the towel rail while I wasn’t here.
It is staying tidy for longer between the chaos-attacks. Things mostly have a home. I wash up directly after breakfast most days. I actually have breakfast most days! I’m starting to put things onto the small-ads app and get rid of them instead of piling them up to think about ‘later’.
I still have stay-in-bed-and-stare-into-space days/mornings, I still have a few days a month where nothing works and I come home and cry about it, I still have illogical spiralling thoughts, I still have days when lifting a jug of water or walking up a flight of stairs is about the limit of my strength, but I don’t sink as far or stay there as long.
I blame the vitamin D tablets.
And possibly the generous tax return 🙂
And the fish.
And the cycling.
And Frank Turner’s songs.
And H’s many cupboards and shelves and hung-up-pictures-and-mirrors-and-notice-boards.
But especially the D tablets. As long as I don’t forget to take them, them they work small miracles in my life (or perhaps give me the ability to work them in my own life). I am so so so grateful for my obgyn and her non-obgyn-stuff-related diagnosis and the bloodtest and the easy way to feel better about everything.
Here’s to more plate-days! 🙂